I feel as though I’ve run out of good decisions.
Our desires and our expectations, sadly, are often at odds and curiously disconnected.
We know our reality, and so often do our desires ignore such limitations.
Yet we recognize that the expected is borne of our reality, but our desires are not. And we are surprised when the two fail to coincide.
And it is irrational yet unavoidable.
A curse upon this day and upon myself. I know what is real yet I yearn to reject it.
I’m thinking of you right now and I am dying. I’m picturing you and I am dying. I am remembering and I am dying.
I died a thousand deaths on that Thursday years ago.
It has been so long.
I see your face when I close my eyes, still.
I feel your breath and feel the warmth of your hair on my chest. I feel it still.
I cry. I cry and I look at myself, focused on the tears as they run.
I breath, and feel myself stealing your breath as you steal mine.
I close my eyes and I see your face. I feel your touch; hear your whisper; taste your lips again.
I open my eyes and I see your face. I see you turn away; feel your distance; hear your silence.
I close my eyes again and the world has stopped. I quiet the world around me. I breath again.
I imagine today and regret tomorrow. I look at my past with disdain and with longing.
I ask the night for comfort.
I gaze upon the night sky and think on my regrets…and laugh and cry at the absurdity of it all.
A moment of happiness for another person is worth a thousand lifetimes of your own happiness.
So I’ve been going through some old forum posts of mine tonight. I’m currently on a kick of self-reflection for reasons not to be disclosed at the moment.
An old post of mine regarding the future:
Start with imagining what it would look like if it gets better. Then start imagining in what ways it could get better. Then start convincing others to play the same game. Eventually, that game will spread. Some people playing the game will then turn around and do things like write stories, blog posts, make films, write music, or do other things to try to inspire others to work towards that same goal. Eventually some smart and/or compassionate people will figure out how to translate those imaginings into something actionable. Some actions will conflict with other actions, and society will have to take some steps back and retry other actions, but hopefully society will do it’s best to pull it’s head out of it’s ass and real progress will eventually happen.
This is the stuff of dreams that play out over generations. Perhaps you or I will not see any real progress in our lifetimes. But we’re the stepping stones to that realizable future, right now.
That’s the hope anyway. Take it as you will.
I look forward to the day when all conflict resolution in the world is done via pie fight.